DIE SZENERIE: In drei Wochen feiern die Außenseiter Seth (Jonah Hill) und Evan (Michael Cera) ihren High-School-Abschluss. Um nicht als Jungfrauen aufs College zu gehen, versuchen sie auf Teufel komm raus ihre Unschuld zu verlieren. Die Chance dazu bietet sich, als Seths Schwarm Jules eine Party gibt. Da Evans und Seths Kumpel Fogell am selben Tag einen falschen Führerschein bekommen soll, lässt sich Seth dazu überreden, für die gesamte Party Alkohol zu besorgen. Sofort sucht er Evan während dessen Sportunterricht auf, um ihn über die Ereignisse und den geplanten Verlauf des Abends zu informieren.
EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - DAY
Evan is standing alone amidst the rest of his gym class as they play soccer.
GYM TEACHER: Go to the ball, guys. Evan, get into the game.
Evan tries to put in some effort and claps his hands encouragingly.
EVAN: Kick it over to me.
The class pass him without paying him any attention. Seth is jogging towards Evan.
GYM TEACHER: Seth! Get off the field!
Seth stops right in front of Evan, panting.
EVAN: Dude, get out of here. They’re gonna make me run laps again.
SETH (out of breath, worked up): Dude, just fucking listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up to me and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide I was the guy she would trust with the whole fun-ness of her party. She wants to fuck me. She wants my dick in or around her mouth.
Seth is still panting.
EVAN: Did you ever think that maybe she’s just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn’t want your dick.
SETH: Yes. Of course I thought of that. That’s like the first thing that came to my mind. Just listen.
INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM (FLASHBACK)
The same scene as before with Seth and Jules in class.
JULES: My older brother always says, like, the nastiest shit. Like he called my “hymen” until I was 12. (pauses) Seth, I wanna blow you.
EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - PRESENT
EVAN: She didn’t say that. Come on.
SETH: Ah, she didn’t say the second part, but the first one - She’s got an older brother. And she could have asked him but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said: “Seth, mama’s making a pubie salad. And I need some Seth’s Own dressing.” She’s D.T.F. She’s down to fuck, man. P in vagi. She wants to…”
Seth looks behind his back where a pass is played in the soccer game. He intervenes and kicks the ball aside.
SETH (cont.): …fuck, man. Tonight is the night that fucking is an actual possibility.
EVAN: You just sound like an idiot. You’re not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.
SETH: No. Dude, I know I talk a lot of shit, okay? But she’s gonna be at the party and she’s gonna be drunk. And she likes me at least a little. Enough to get with me. At the very least, I’ll make out with her. Two weeks, handjob. Month, blowjob. Whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I’ve got, like, two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around I’ll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vag.
Evan looks at the progress of the game.
EVAN: Can we talk about this later?
The soccer ball rolls towards them. They both watch as it rolls by.
CLASSMATE: What the hell, Evan? We’re down two points.
Evan has his hands in his pockets, making no movement whatsoever.
EVAN: Fucking calm down, Greg. It’s soccer. It’s soccer.
GREG: Fuck you, man.
SETH: Hey, Greg, why don’t you go piss your pants again?
GREG: That was, like, eight years ago, asshole.
Greg turns around and joins the game again.
SETH (shouts after him): People don’t forget.
Seth turns to Evan.
SETH (cont.): Do you wanna hear the best part? Becca. You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shitfaced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I’ve fully ignored my hate for Becca in coming up with this plan. I’m flexing nuts. Just fucking come with me on this voyage and just stop being a pussy for once and we can fucking fuck some girls already.
EVAN: I should buy Becca alcohol?
SETH: Yeah, man, it’ll be pimp. That way you know she’ll be drunk. You know when you hear girls say: “Ah, I was so shitfaced last night. I shouldn’t have fucked that guy.” We could be that mistake!
Evan ponders the issue.
EVAN: Have you talked to Fogell?
SETH: All right, you talk to Becca. I’ll talk to that retard, Fogell. Don’t worry.
Seth turns to leave the field finally.
GYM TEACHER (O.S.): Seth, get off the field!
The ball rolls over to Seth.
He kicks the ball off the field and then runs away.
GYM TEACHER (O.S.): You’re getting that.
SETH (O.S.): No, I’m not!